Hormone Therapy!!

As I sit here eating my bacon and tuna fish sandwich I realized something. The crazy imbalance of hormones that come with pregnancy cause a lot of things. Things like I can't stop eating potato chips and apples to save my life. Or even things like Restless Leg Syndrome which keep me up all night until I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore. One thing that no one tells you about is how the hormones make you realize things about yourself. Night before last I had a crying fit for several hours. At first, I thought maybe it was because I watched a TV show that was sad and depressing. I later came to realize that it was about my father and his death.

The definition of grieve is to feel sorrow, while the definition of mourn is to express sorrow. It came to me that I grieved my father but I never mourned him. I felt sorrow eat at me like a black hole, but I never truly expressed it. I faked it. Some of what I showed to everyone else true, but most of it I hid away inside myself.

The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Denial is always the first and most immediate one to set in. Denial is obvious. "No, this can't be happening. He's not really dead." When I first saw my father, I immediately knew he was dead. I have seen enough dead bodies at hospitals and funerals to know. Even knowing in my heart that he was dead, I still wanted to believe the paramedics could save him.
Anger comes next. "Why me? It's not fair! This can't be happening!" I was angry but I was more logical about it than most. Most of my life was spent with anger wrapped around me like a protective blanket. I knew anger well so I could handle that. I was angry but I had no one to blame including myself. It wasn't anyone's fault, even God's. I was angry that he was gone but not angry at anyone because he was gone.
Bargaining is the one that makes you seem desperate. "Please bring him back. I will quit smoking and drinking. I will do anything if it will bring him back!" Logically, I knew there was nothing I could do to bring him back. If there was something though I would have jumped on it. I never outwardly expressed bargaining because I didn't want to look weak. Stupid reason but it worked. Inside I would wish while knowing it would never happen.
Depression is the most dangerous one in my opinion. " Why bother living if he is gone?" This is the stage for the crying, grieving, and mourning. Having dealt with depression my entire adult life, this is the most dangerous stage for me. I knew if I stopped to think about it, I might do something reckless. Because I was afraid of myself, I never stopped to complete this part of the grieving process. I cried only when I was by myself and never for more than a few seconds really. I was sad and upset but I would never express it. I told myself it was because I wanted to be strong for my mother. After my crying fit, I realized that it was because I more afraid of myself and what I would do. So I kept pushing it aside and to the back of my mind. I have done this for all this time and not even noticed.
Acceptance sounds so easy. "I can't change what happened, but I can move on and remember the good times." This is more difficult than it seems. There is also something they don't tell you, but you understand when it happens to you. You can go back and forth between all of the stages before you truly get to the last one. You can also fully accept it, but be stuck in depression or another stage.

I am currently in the process. I have accepted it and know he is gone and nothing I can do will bring him back, but because I never faced the depression the first time it is eating at me now. It is using my hormones as a way to make myself express how I feel. All I wanted to do then was to crawl into a corner and never move again. Now maybe I can take it one step at a time and now sink so low as to leave my husband and my unborn child behind. I need them as much as they need me. Probably even more.

I apologize that this is not a happy post saying that everything is going great with my pregnancy. I wrote this to make me feel better. It has and that is all that matters to me. Thank you for reading and sorry if this depresses you.