Hormones suck!

Hormones trick you. It takes away the logical part of your brain. Say you experience someone you think is throwing subtle barbs at you. Before pregnancy, you would have known for sure that it was or was not meant to be insulting. During hormone-ridden pregnancy, you think you know someone is throwing insults at you but are never really sure. Logically, what they said could be non-threatening. You could imagine that tone of voice that made it so.
If I try to explain to someone that just because I am unemployed does not mean I am home all day, then you would think that would be the end of it. I feel like I have to justify it everyday. So when someone asks you what time you are going to be somewhere, you left your day open so you could be available for this, and you told them this several times, you would think it would be settled. Instead I get when are you going to be there. I say I can be there when you call me to be there. Simple answer, right? Wrong. The response is that you always say you are busy and never home so I wanted to make sure you could be there.
Now that I have explained this situation, understand that without hormones I would have been able to tell if this was a subtle barb at me not staying home and cleaning up her mess everyday. With hormones, I am not sure I am making it up or not. It still hurts like it was intentional, but it could all be in my mind. How can you tell when it is not so obvious? I have yet to find an answer. If anyone has an answer, let me know. That way I don't go psycho on someone for no reason.

The miracle of life

There are many things that happen during pregnancy that do not seem like a common occurrence because you have never heard of it before. I always end up asking my doctor tons of questions that usually end up with "Is this normal?". At my last appointment I didn't have any questions to ask. He asked how my husband was doing with my pregnancy. I told him that he had yet to feel the baby move because every single time he placed his hand on my belly, she stopped moving. I thought this was weird but didn't think there was anything that could be done about it. This is how I found out that it is extremely common for fathers to experience this. He said that most of his patients have said that to him. He suggested that when I know the baby is going to be most active, like after eating, to gently place his hand on my belly.
Oddly enough, it was the same day as the doctor appointment that he felt the baby kick. It worked out quite strangely. She was being extremely active at this moment and I actually wanted his help to calm her down. She had been kicking the same spot for almost 10 minutes. I grabbed his hand and put it on my belly. He knows that translates to rub my belly, she is driving me crazy. Before he could start rubbing my belly, she kicked his hand hard enough that I could see it move slightly. I was used to this feeling, he was not. He looked at me. He was excited and creeped out at the same time. It was actually a weaker kick than what she usually does. When I told him that, he didn't believe me at first. He felt how powerful she is and it was far from what he expected.
Once we established that it doesn't hurt and that at most it is uncomfortable, he was excited that he had actually felt her move.

Hormone Therapy!!

As I sit here eating my bacon and tuna fish sandwich I realized something. The crazy imbalance of hormones that come with pregnancy cause a lot of things. Things like I can't stop eating potato chips and apples to save my life. Or even things like Restless Leg Syndrome which keep me up all night until I am too exhausted to stay awake anymore. One thing that no one tells you about is how the hormones make you realize things about yourself. Night before last I had a crying fit for several hours. At first, I thought maybe it was because I watched a TV show that was sad and depressing. I later came to realize that it was about my father and his death.

The definition of grieve is to feel sorrow, while the definition of mourn is to express sorrow. It came to me that I grieved my father but I never mourned him. I felt sorrow eat at me like a black hole, but I never truly expressed it. I faked it. Some of what I showed to everyone else true, but most of it I hid away inside myself.

The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Denial is always the first and most immediate one to set in. Denial is obvious. "No, this can't be happening. He's not really dead." When I first saw my father, I immediately knew he was dead. I have seen enough dead bodies at hospitals and funerals to know. Even knowing in my heart that he was dead, I still wanted to believe the paramedics could save him.
Anger comes next. "Why me? It's not fair! This can't be happening!" I was angry but I was more logical about it than most. Most of my life was spent with anger wrapped around me like a protective blanket. I knew anger well so I could handle that. I was angry but I had no one to blame including myself. It wasn't anyone's fault, even God's. I was angry that he was gone but not angry at anyone because he was gone.
Bargaining is the one that makes you seem desperate. "Please bring him back. I will quit smoking and drinking. I will do anything if it will bring him back!" Logically, I knew there was nothing I could do to bring him back. If there was something though I would have jumped on it. I never outwardly expressed bargaining because I didn't want to look weak. Stupid reason but it worked. Inside I would wish while knowing it would never happen.
Depression is the most dangerous one in my opinion. " Why bother living if he is gone?" This is the stage for the crying, grieving, and mourning. Having dealt with depression my entire adult life, this is the most dangerous stage for me. I knew if I stopped to think about it, I might do something reckless. Because I was afraid of myself, I never stopped to complete this part of the grieving process. I cried only when I was by myself and never for more than a few seconds really. I was sad and upset but I would never express it. I told myself it was because I wanted to be strong for my mother. After my crying fit, I realized that it was because I more afraid of myself and what I would do. So I kept pushing it aside and to the back of my mind. I have done this for all this time and not even noticed.
Acceptance sounds so easy. "I can't change what happened, but I can move on and remember the good times." This is more difficult than it seems. There is also something they don't tell you, but you understand when it happens to you. You can go back and forth between all of the stages before you truly get to the last one. You can also fully accept it, but be stuck in depression or another stage.

I am currently in the process. I have accepted it and know he is gone and nothing I can do will bring him back, but because I never faced the depression the first time it is eating at me now. It is using my hormones as a way to make myself express how I feel. All I wanted to do then was to crawl into a corner and never move again. Now maybe I can take it one step at a time and now sink so low as to leave my husband and my unborn child behind. I need them as much as they need me. Probably even more.

I apologize that this is not a happy post saying that everything is going great with my pregnancy. I wrote this to make me feel better. It has and that is all that matters to me. Thank you for reading and sorry if this depresses you.

Stress is no laughing matter, I say!!

When stressed, your blood pressure rises and you possibly lose your cool. People step back and say WHOA! They realize that something is going on and possibly needs fixing. Logic would say that when stressed and pregnant, you might get the same respect if not more, right?  WRONG!! I can understand why when you are stressed and pregnant, some would not take you seriously. A pregnant woman can make herself upset over a cereal box, so it can be kinda funny. This does not mean that when it is a more serious matter than a cereal box to continue laughing. That will actually make the matter worse and stress out the pregnant woman more. I have to say my favorite experience is to have the person stressing me out tell me to calm down because stress isn't good for the baby. That one almost sent me to the hospital. Thankfully, a few hours' repreive calmed me down. Some of you might say get rid of what is causing you stress so you don't have to be stressed in the first place. My response is to laugh and you and say look at my current life.

My current life involves a complete remodel of my home that was supposed to be done months ago. For those of you who know my house, it is not the entire house. Only the downstairs, which is my home. Because of said remodel, I am now living in a small room filled with other people's junk. In this crammed junk room, we have to fit two people and two dogs. People and dogs come with basic neccessities. This wouldn't be so bad if I could have access to the things I can't fit in the small room. As you can guess, I don't have access. Most of my things are in a PODS(Portable On Demand Storage). I didn't name it, I just rent it.

Now this could be manageable stress in my opinion. Out of sight, out of mind until you need something. Then it becomes a little bit stressful but easy to fix. What makes it not manageable is having tons of other stress added to it. People assume that when you are jobless, you can do whatever they need you to do. That you have no concerns of your own. In essence, they try to make you their personal slave. If you were under the same assumption that being jobless means you have all the free time in the world, you were wrong! I may be home only a couple days a week. I spend most of my day outside in the world running errands for myself. If I don't have time to run errands for you, then please do not try to guilt me into doing whatever you want. Do not always assume that your errands are more important than mine. If you act like that then I will always choose mine just for spite. If I am not out then I will be at home. This does not always mean I am free to do what you want either. There are some things that I have to do that require a time with no interruptions. I usually find that at home. My favorite is when I am asked to go out and get some groceries when she is already out and closer to the grocery store than I am from home.

I could go on for pages more, but I just realized how long this post is already. I won't bore you with anymore tonight. Well, technically this morning. I feel better just putting it out there. Sorry for the long read, if you even make it this far.

One of those days....

Do you ever feel like you are having one of "those" days? One of "those" days could mean anything. It could mean something generic as just having a bad day or something a little more specific as everything you do turns out horribly wrong. Mine seems to be in the the middle.

The day was ok to begin with but then it took a left turn that I didn't see. Everything I have said to someone has been taken the wrong way and made them upset. Even if I try to fix it, it still turns out wrong. It is to the point of "I GIVE UP". I give up on talking to anyone. I will shut myself in my room and not come out until tomorrow comes. Sounds like a great plan, huh? As soon as I consider this plan, I realize exactly why I can't do this. For the same reason the whole world can't shut themselves away somewhere and hide; I have things I need to do. At the very minimum, I need to pick up my husband from work. That won't be until late tonight, though. So I can hide myself away in the meantime, right? Wrong! There are minor little errands I also need to do today, since payday is today. We have been waiting until payday to buy things that we need, like soap or food. Little things like hygiene are not always necessary to some people, but I like to think that I am above that and can at least manage to stay clean.

Now, the procrastinator in me says, Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? This does not help when I am trying to turn over a new leaf and not do things like that. I suppose I could hide instead of in my room, out in the world. When you hide enough in the world, you begin to realize it is not all it is cracked up to be. I could go see a movie. I could go to the bookstore. These are some of my favorite places to go. When you are feeling a bit down and afraid to speak, then out in the world is not a place to hide. There are too many people out there who want to talk to you. So this is the conundrum, do I stay in my room and hide or do I go and hide in a crowd of people?

Now there is always the ever-present third option of not hiding, but after all of the fiascoes of today, I don't really want to attempt that just yet. The fact of the matter is I need to stop whining to myself or others and get over it. I think I will have to have a little "me" time to get myself straight and then stop hiding.

It is sad when you have to argue and then compromise with yourself just so you can make yourself feel better.

The joys of being pregnant....

My sister-in-law gave me a pregnancy calendar. It is actually quite hilarious. It has quotes in it that say, "Pregnancy is the happiest reason ever for feeling like crap."  Those words are too true. I had a lovely visit to the ER yesterday. I was dehydrated bad enough I couldn't stand without coming close enough to pass out. I promise I drink water 10 times a day, but yesterday it wasn't enough. I also have had an infection for a while with absolutely no symptoms of one. The doctors couldn't figure it out. Because I was dehydrated, I had to have an IV. Have I mentioned how much needles freak me out? The nurse was very nice, but it still hurt like crazy.

I got to see the baby again. The doctor wanted to make sure the baby was doing OK. She was actually amazed because my baby posed perfectly for it. She couldn't stop staring at the screen. She was in the middle of showing me when the battery died. When they finally got the machine plugged in, the baby had moved and was no longer posing amazingly perfect. After that the baby wouldn't hold still for anything. It was kinda funny. It made it an interesting ER visit and the horrid IV worth it.

A mostly good day, YAY!!

I woke up, lazed about a bit, took Jon to work, got to hang out with my best friend for a little while before she had to cater, saw a movie, and now I am waiting for Jon to get off of work. Poor guy is stuck there until late. Bad day at work for him.

BTW if anyone is actually reading this that knows me, do not say that horrid nickname for my unborn child. I have told my mother exactly how upset I am over that stupid name and all she does is laugh in my face. I thought she could at least have a little bit of respect for my wishes on the matter but all she does is tell her friends and laugh about it. I told her I would quit speaking to her if she didn't stop it. Again all I get is laughter. I was having a good day and then all the irritation at my mother for her idiotic notions pissed me off.

Also, The Sorcerer's Apprentice was a neat movie. A little predictable, but still a good movie.

Warning: This is not a happy post!

I can't seem to find a balance. I was happy this morning, and then I switched. I have irritated most of the day. Honestly, this time I think I have a reason. I think I have all rights to be irritated when your husband tells you that you look like you could be Two-Face's wife. Even if he said it jokingly, I think that was taking it a little far. If he tells me all the time that I am beautiful, but then turns around and tells me things like this, which am I supposed to believe? It is not the first time, either. I didn't want to have anything to do with him today. I was hurt more than anything. When he couldn't figure out why I was upset until I explained it to him in detail, I was irritated. Someone tell me that I am not justified and I might believe you.

Oops... forgot something

I forgot to mention how my first doctor visit went. It was at 8:00am at University Hospital with Dr. Burns. I had my first sonogram and Jon was with me. He got to see it move and dance around. He was happy but still on the verge of freaking out. I was happy and excited. So far everything is going perfectly. My next visit they are going to do the blood work to check and make sure everything is OK. I think that covers everything. If not I will end up adding more later.

WOW.... I forgot I had a blog!

I seriously forgot I had a blog. My friend who actually inspired me to blog in the first place reminded me. I actually used to work for her. I worked for her during her entire pregnancy. I can really sympathize with her now. Apparently, the consensus from everyone I know who was pregnant says the baby sucks out your brains. I used to harass her about freezing me out of the office when she came in. It was all in good fun and she knew it, but I still had to bring a jacket to work even in the summer. I completely understand now.

I am roasting in the house and my husband, who is from Canada by the way, is freezing. He keeps turning off the fans or the A/C in the middle of the night. I got fed up and told him I was going to rip the switch off the wall if he did it one more time. Then I got emotional and apologized to him for snapping while I was sobbing horribly. He was perplexed and didn't know how to respond because this all happened in the span of maybe 30 seconds.

I feel like a psychotic person because I can't seem to either keep a thought in my head. If I am not forgetting something then I am thinking that my world is ending because I can't find something in the grocery store.

I never saw my boss go crazy, but I did hear about it. If the way I feel now is the way she felt then I applaud her for keeping her composure so well. I only ever heard of her losing her composure very few times during the nine months she was pregnant.

You might notice from some of my earlier postings that I sounded a pissed off and emotional. That is hopefully not going to be the norm. I wrote those when I was so sick, tired, and pissed off because I couldn't manage to ever stop the nausea. Thankfully, I am mostly passed that.  I expect that I will still have some emotional postings, but I will try to keep the craziness to a minimum.

I don't know what to do!!

I am a horrible mom already. I have 2 dogs. I didn't even think of what this might mean for them. I don't want to give them away or anything. I don't know what to do. I have read up on some things to try. Make myself smell like a baby would so they would get used to the smell. Obedience training was another suggestion, but I don't think I can afford that. There are some classes to help the pet get used to the idea of a baby. I can't freak out about it forever, I know. I just needed a frantic moment. I will consult my veterinarian and my doctor to see if they have any suggestions I can try before giving away my dogs. To me, that is a last resort.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I am getting no sympathy. I am tired all the time. I am nauseous all the time. It is a miracle I don't hurl all the time. All I hear form everyone is, "You need to try and stay awake during the daytime." or "Why don't you want to spend time with me? All you do is sleep."
I tried to stay awake during the daytime and I fell asleep standing up. The only thing that changed then was instead of sleeping for a couple of hours, it was an hour to an hour and a half. I don't get sympathy with the nausea. Ooh, my favorite is "Why don't you want me near you?" He says as he has a bowl of food in his hand that is making my stomach churn. I love my family, but damn it are you serious! I do have to say he is being really good about it, too. When he rubs my belly, it makes the nausea go away. He does it without me even asking to most days. He is understanding about a lot of things but I wish he would be a little more understanding about others.

It is funny that we have already had that moment where he is confused and trying not to laugh because all I can do is cry at him and ask him why he is mad at me when he blinked that way. I can't seem to actually sleep at night worse than it was before. That would be why I am blogging about it at 7:30ish in the morning without being asleep yet. I am finally feeling tired so night.

Pregnant???

I just found out I am pregnant. I found out in an ER no less. I fell and thought I broke my wrist. The doctor wanted to test me just in case before I had an X-Ray. He came in and announced it like I was dying. We have been trying for 2 years. I was excited and pissed at the same time. I was happy that I was finally pregnant and I was pissed at the timing. I had planned a girls' weekend with my friend. It was to theme parks and such. We couldn't go to Six flags but I still got to do White Water and the Georgia Aquarium. I found out that I am old at 26. I could barely keep up with the little kids running around. We had fun but that is slightly off topic. I want to know why my husband who was excited about the prospect of children for a while is now all of a sudden freaked out. He refuses to even talk about it. I have to bring up the topic and then actually keep the conversation going almost by myself. I don't get it and it irritates the snot out of me!! I don't know what to do. He has to face it sooner or later but hopefully it would be sooner so he doesn't check himself out on me so I am not doing this by myself.